Only In Dreams
by dirtykinks
Summary: Detective Ryan is having bad dreams, but their not really bad dreams. either way, they're disturbing him, in more ways than one. What happens when a murder leads them to someone who kills to protect their secrets. SLASH!
1. Chapter 1

Here it is, the Castle fic I said I was going to post. I hope all you people who love Castle enjoy this fic.

)))))))))))

Ryan straightened his tie as he stood in the elevator as it headed up to the homicide floor. He took in several deep breaths as the images and thoughts from the dreams he had been having ran through his mind without abandon, which made his pants a little snugger and his breathing become faster. He didn't know what to do, he had never felt this way before, or had any dreams that were like the ones that had been visiting him most nights the past few months. They were filled with him and someone he cared about greatly, though he was startled by what they were doing in said dreams. When he woke from them he was confused, and he'd been getting more confused as they continued to disturb his nights. Kevin wondered if his work was getting to him, making him lose grasp with reality, but then he felt like he was talking to Castle and pushed that thought from his mind. He was unsure what this meant for him, and his future, if he was wrong about more than he had thought.

Running his hand through his hair as the elevator stopped, he stepped out of the elevator and walked over to his desk. Forcing himself to not look at the one desk he hoped was empty, so he could have just a little more time without having to see the person that was at the center of his troubles.

No luck, the desk was occupied, and its owner was flipping through a pile paperwork.

"Hey Ryan," called a voice from behind him.

"Yeah," he said as he turned to face the voice.

"You and Esposito better get going to fifty-fourth and Lex, Beckett and Castle are already headed there."

"Sure thing boss," Ryan called back to Captain Gates. Sighing he grabbed his jacket that he had just placed on the back of his chair and looked at his partner.

"Come on, and on the way, you can tell me what you were up to last night."

"What are you talking about?" Asked Ryan as he gulped softly to himself.

"Come on bro. You look like you didn't get any sleep, you got some right?" Javi asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows as he got into the elevator with Kevin.

"What? No, I didn't. I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night," Ryan said, thankful that his partner had no idea what was stopping him from getting any rest.

"Now see, your lying. You've been coming into the precinct like this at least two to five days a week. Something's keeping you up, and I know it's not bad TV or our cases."

"I'm not having sex. I just haven't been sleeping the best lately." Ryan had never been happier that people couldn't read each other's minds, Javier had no idea how close he had gotten to uncovering the reason as to why he wasn't getting much sleep. Even now as he walked to their unmarked car he could still felt the dreams caresses and kisses on his too hot skin. His skin felt like it was been burned, as the phantom touches scorched his skin, even if they weren't made by an actual physical person.

Hopping into the passenger's seat Detective Ryan sat silently, staring out the window as they drove, to what no doubt would be another gruesome crime scene. Light tension filled the car as neither spoke as they made their way through the city, Javier didn't know what was bothering his friend but he knew it was serious. He had only looked this terrible when he caught Jenny cheating on him a few months ago and then broke down a few days later when he was watching a game and having some beers with Esposito. He was fine one second then gasping for breath the next as he succumbed to the overwhelming heartbreak he had been holding off. Javi didn't know what was happening or what to do so he grabbed his partner and pulled him into a hug hoping it would help. It seemed to work as Ryan calmed down. Finding himself in his friend's arms he bolted a little bit, moving out of Javier's arms. A quick whispered 'thanks' and Ryan took off into the bathroom. When he came out he explained that he had come home one night last week after they finished a case early and found Jenny having sex with some other guy. If that wasn't bad enough he told Esposito that he had planned to propose soon, that he had even bought a ring, which he had returned that same day before he came into work.

He now understood how his partner could break down in such a way. He had been about to give the rest of his heart, his life to the woman, only to find her cheating on him, and in his own bed. Javi pointed out that Ryan had asked her to move in but they hadn't gotten around to actually doing it, so at least he didn't have to move out or kick her out.

It wasn't long after that the dreams started at first he was just with the person, hanging out and what not, but soon they took an unexpected turn. Turning their friendship to a sexual relationship, full of hot, steamy sex that made him feel alive again. But the dreams scared him, they were so unexpected that he was overwhelmed by them, he couldn't figure out why he would be having such sexual dreams about said person. But he was dreaming of having sex with the person almost every night.

Soon they were greeted by the flashing lights of squad cars as they arrived at the crime scene, parking next to the other cars they got out and headed over to where Castle and Beckett were arguing over the dead body.

"Castle, she is not CIA. Just because she has no ID and no fingerprints doesn't mean she's working for a clandestine government agency."

"Why else would she have had her fingertips burnt off and have no ID?" Castle asked as he gestured to the body as if that made his theory more credible.

"It could have been an accident, though unlikely, she could have burned them off to protect her from leaving fingerprints, she's most likely a criminal."

Beckett looked ready to shoot Castle when she saw Ryan and Esposito and turned away from Castle. "Hey, guys. Our vic is female, mid to late twenties, no finger pads, they've been burned off some time ago. Shot once from behind at close range and was dragged into this alley where she bled out, I'm having uni's canvas for a purse or wallet, as well as talking to neighbors see if anyone saw anything or heard the shots."

The body was sprawled in the middle of the alley, blood running down it filling in the cobblestone that made up the alley floor. Her eyes were open, gazing sightlessly into the mid-morning sky. One shoe was barely on her foot while her clothes were covered in grime from the dirty street she had been dragged down. Her dark hair was fanned out around her, mixing into the pool of blood that surrounded her. The usually numbered evidence markers covered the alley and continued out of the alley and onto the sidewalk.

"The blood trail leads all the way to the corner of the block. What I can't figure out is why would someone kill her out in the open, then drag her a good two hundred feet to this alley, why wasn't the killer afraid that he would be seen? Even this alley, it's very wide, easy to see into. Does he think that he can't be caught?"

"Maybe he isn't, maybe he thinks he's so good he can't get caught?" Castle says, "maybe he's committed other murders that he's gotten away with and it's made him confident, cocky. So sure of himself and his plan, that he knows he can get away with it. That's why he's not worried, he's done it before and my guess is will again."

CASTLE

"Castle was right. Lanie couldn't find any DNA, foreign fibers, anything, besides the dirt from the street and alley, there's nothing on her. She did find high levels of ink residue on her skin and clothes, you can't really see it but it's there. She also found that there were other chemicals, maybe she works at a factory or a paper?" Ryan asked as he sat at his desk and looked over at the murder board while Beckett wrote it down.

"Maybe, look at missing persons look for jobs that would have a high use for ink. Now Laine said she died between one and three this morning, so what was our vic doing out at that time, on a Sunday night? I don't know about you but I try to get to bed so I can get some sleep before heading to work the next day." Beckett leaned against her desk looking at the murder board.

"We won't know that until we find out who she is, did the canvas come up with anything?"

"No," said Esposito as he walked in the room. "A hand full of people heard the shots but didn't bother to call the police, said they heard shots all the time, calling never did anything so they stopped caring. No one saw her out on the street, or in the alley."

Beckett frowned before turning back to the board. "Why don't you and Ryan go and see if there are any cameras on the street and if any of them have a good shot for this part of the street. Maybe we can get lucky and see if they caught our killer in the act."

"Sure thing, Ryan do you want to drive?"

"Nah. I gotta go to the bathroom, I'll be down in a few minutes." Ryan walked to the bathroom and skipped into one of the stalls. He could barely hold off on the panic that was coming to a boil inside him. Because of the dreams every word, move, look that his coworker gave him, from a small glance so they didn't walk into him when walking in the same area, or a passing 'hello' would be enough and send Ryan into a panic.

As he locked the door to the stall he clasped against the wall, harsh breaths filling the air as he shoved his fingers in his eyes, like the force would cause the tears that had started to fall to disappear.

"Why?" He asked himself as he looked down at his hands, though they were blurry from the tears.

If the dreams themselves weren't bad enough it was the inner turmoil they caused that was the real problem. Kevin felt like he was lost, the dreams had confused him in such a way that he didn't know how he could ever be the same person he thought he was again. He had never even considered the possibility before, he had always been attracted to women, right? But now he wasn't so sure, and he never doubted it before. In the dreams, he was always having sex with the same person, same _man_. Now it seemed like he couldn't help but notice how attractive men were, women still looked the same but he found himself becoming less attracted to them, whereas the opposite was the same for men. Never once in his life did Ryan have any inclination towards liking men, but now he seemed to be hyper-aware of them, in a sexual way.

Shaking his head he pushed the torturous thoughts out of his mind, he had his job to do, a killer to find. Whipping his face off he stepped out of the stall, walking to the sinks he turned one on and splashed cold water on his face. He looked even worse than he did before he thought as he looked at himself in the mirror as he dried his face. The tears and water had left his face red and a little blotchy, which didn't look good on his pale, fair, freckled, Irish skin. Ducking his head down he walked out of the bathroom and down to the garage, hoping that no one would see the tear marks on his face.

When he got to the car Javi was sitting tapping the wheel, looking over his shoulders, no doubt becoming impatient with his partner.

"Where were you, man? I've been waiting for over twenty minutes."

"I told you I had to go to the bathroom. Sorry I took so long," said Ryan as he sat down and buckled up.

Like the car ride to the crime scene they took earlier in the day, Ryan spent most of the ride looking out the window, trying to hide his face from his partner. Esposito must have gotten tired of the silence, as after a few minutes he turned on the radio to the latin pop station and was singing away to the Spanish sung music. Unable to stop himself Ryan snuck a glance at his friend, who looked unbelievably happy just singing along to the radio.

Smiling softly to himself Ryn turned back towards the window, he laid his head against the window closed his eyes and let the music wash over him, soothing his distressed psyche.

CASTLE

After going to multiple businesses and looking up and down the street for cameras. No luck, most of the businesses didn't have any, and if they did they were either fake, broken, or were never hooked up, to begin with.

"Thank you for your cooperation," said Esposito as he handed the man behind the counter of the small grungy deli his phone number. "If you can think of anything, or if you remember anyone suspicious hanging around, let me know."

"Great that was the last store that is anywhere near or within sight of the crime scene or the alley. Now we have to go back and tell Beckett we got nothing," Ryan said as he kicked a crushed, broken, empty coffee cup off the sidewalk.

"Cheer up, maybe Castle is annoying her as usual and she won't be so mad that we couldn't find anything. Or maybe they found something useful."

"Maybe... We should get going, we wasted enough of our time here." Ryan ran his hand through his hair again, pushing the few strands that got in his eyes out of the way.

"Too true bro. It's almost lunch, wanna stop and get some burgers to take back to the precinct if we get Beckett's favorite she might be in a better mood."

"Might as well, then this outing won't be a total loss," admitted Ryan as he took the car keys from his partner's outstretched hand.

From the crime scene, they drove to Remy's for the burgers. Ryan stayed in the car as Javi went and got four burgers for them to take back with them. With the unexpected time alone Kevin tried to keep his mind off his problems and think about the murder they had to solve, get didn't get very far. This one was one of the weird one's, where nothing made any sense, where if they got one piece of the puzzle they found another blank spot that needed to be filled. So far they hadn't found many pieces to the puzzle, just more questions.


	2. Chapter 2

When they returned they were right, Castle was going on about government conspiracies that their mystery woman could have been involved in and Beckett looked ready to shoot him point blank.

"Thank God," she screamed when she saw them coming out of the elevator. "Did you find anything?"

"Unfortunately no, there were no cameras near the crime scene, inside or out. At least none that were real or in working condition. We did, however, bring lunch, burgers from Remy's."

"Good I need a break, Castle is driving me crazy. I think I might kill him if we don't solve this soon."

"Well, we couldn't find anything, no camera footage, or anyone that saw anything. This whole case is like one huge dead end, just when we think of a way to get something we hit another dead end," Ryan looked up at the murder board, it was just as empty as it was when he left.

"Hopefully Lanie or CSU has found something that will be helpful."

"Has ballistics come back on the bullet?" Asked Esposito before he took a huge bite out of his burger.

"Only that's it's a thirty-eight. Also, it has no matches to other crimes," said Castle as he took a sip from his coffee cup.

"So what now? Nothing on ballistics, no witnesses, no ID on the victim, this is just one big case of nothing."

"We'll be getting the missing person files soon, maybe someone has reported our victim missing," said Beckett as she pushed her hair out of the way before she took a bite of her burger.

As Ryan finished his burger his phone started to ring.

"Detective Ryan... Sure yeah, I'll send them down... Thanks, bye. Lanie found something." Ryan hung up the phone and turned to Castle and Beckett. "You guys should go down she said it's important."

"Ok, let's go Castle."

"But I haven't finished my burger," Castle whined as he lifted his half eaten burger to show that he wasn't finished.

"Either you're coming or not, so throw it away or eat fast."

"I'll eat fast," Castle scrambled out of his chair and followed Beckett as she walked out of the room.

CASTLE

"Hey Lanie, Ryan said you have something good for us."

"Good is not the word, strange is better. Her fingertips were burnt off at least five years ago, and they were good, there is no way to recover any unscarred tissue. Besides the bullet hole, there are no wounds of any kind, defensive or otherwise. But it's her teeth, blood work, body, and x rays that are the interesting things I want to tell you about. All of her teeth, except for brushing and flossing, have had no dental care, of any kind. Her mouth is full of cavities, and she should have gotten branches when she was younger. "

"Whoa, that is strange. Why wouldn't she have any dental work, even people from places like Mexico, or communist countries have some kind of dental work done," said Castle as he looked at Lanie.

"It means no one took her, and there are only a few reasons why you don't take your kid to the dentist, and it gets clearer why when I tell you the other things. She never got any immunizations, past the ones they give you in your first year of birth. And it gets better. She has many broken, fractured, and cracked bones that weren't healed properly, as well as many scars that were hidden by her clothes. And if that doesn't give you enough to figure out what happened to our lady here, she has had many children and abortions in the past decade, she still has breast milk in her chest."

"She was kidnapped," Castle and Beckett said together.

"Yes she was, and from what I can tell it was just after she was born. After twenty years I don't know if you can find out who she is."

"Thanks, Lanie, now we have something to look into."

"Is there anything you can give us that will help us find out where she's from?" Asked Beckett as she looked at Lanie.

"Not really, if I'm right she was taken within the first year of birth, twenty-three to eight years ago." Lanie took off her rubber gloves and tossed them in the garbage.

"That's better than nothing, call us if you find anything else."

They rushed upstairs, heading straight to the board Kate wrote the information they found out from Lanie. Esposito came up behind her and read what she was writing down.

"Are you sure about this?"

"As sure as I am of what Lanie found, our vic was kidnapped over two decades ago, from who knows where and by someone we don't know about. Besides the obvious lack of dental and health care, as well as pregnancy signs, and they fact that her fingertips were burnt off five years ago I think her kidnapper had her doing something. And it was obviously illegal, there would be no other reason to burn off her fingertips unless they connected her to something. But what about the ink? Where does that fit in this puzzle?" She asked herself out loud as she tapped the marker against her lips.

"Well let's think about this, whoever took her took her most likely to rape her, unless he's really messed up, why take a baby? Why not take an older girl? Why one that's barely a year old?"

"Because it makes it harder to find out who she is. Harder to track him down."

"Yes, and besides kidnapping children, what do you want to bet this guys into some even worse things?" Castle asked as he pointed to the picture of the dead girl's nonexisting fingerprints.

"I'll take that bet. But if we can't find out who she is, who took her, or what they were doing we still have nothing to go off of."

"What about the ink? Has CSU found anything about it?"

"In fact they have, and so has someone else," said Ryan as he came in with a file. "It's green ink, and the colors are specific to one type of use unless you really like the color green. It's very close to the ink we in the US, use to make money."

"He's a counterfeiter," says Castle.

"Yep, and they say it's uncannily close to the real thing. Which is why the FBI thinks they know who we're looking for. His ink is the same as the kind that was found on our Jane Doe. They have been tracking this counterfeiter for the past thirty years. He's always one step ahead of them and is always up to date on new anti-counterfeiting tricks. According to them he never stays longer than two years in a given area before he moves on. And they think he drives far out of his way to shop, that he never uses his counterfeit money in the same place he stays."

"How have they not caught him in thirty years?"

"He's good." Ryan flipped through the folder he was holding. " He never stays long, always on the move, always one step ahead. For a while, they thought he had an inside informant, but no one was found. He also seems to never use the money where he actually lives, they think he goes to different towns and cities than the one he lives in or is staying near, to use the money."

"Do they have any suspects?"

"They've had dozens over the years, none have panned out. They thought they caught the guy a few years back, but when new bills popped up in Tennessee they had to release him."

"Are they sure it was the same guy in Tennessee, it could have been another counterfeiter." Castle stood up, and walked over to Ryan and looked over his shoulder at the FBI file.

"Yeah, they're sure, right before he moves on he sends them a letter. A kind of 'goodbye, thanks for playing, see you next time' type of thing."

"He gets off on telling them that it's him," said Beckett as she picked up a folder. "Ok look at missing persons in the area where the counterfeiter was around the time of our victim's kidnapping. That would be somewhere between 1980 to 1988."

"He was in near Springfield, Illinois from seventy-nine to eighty-one. Wichita, Oklahoma from eighty-two to eighty-four. Portland, Maine eighty-five to eighty-eight."

"Ok so look for a white girl, six months to a year and a half old, dark hair, green eyes," Beckett reasoned. "Maybe we can find out who she is with this information."

"You got it, boss. Let's go Espo."

CASTLE

Ryan felt like a cliche as he walked into his apartment, and went straight for the cold beers he had in the fridge. The few hundred missing person cases they went through hadn't put a dent in the dozens of boxes they still had to go through, though they did find about fifty possible cases.

Kevin plopped down on his couch, sighing as he tipped his head backward to rest against the back of the couch. He hated cases like this, ones that involved little kids, and people doing unspeakable things to them. They haunted him at night, really any case had the ability to make the nightmares show up, but kids made them worse. More bad dreams were not what he needed at the moment, he had the other ones to deal with. Sipping his beer Ryan put his head in his free hand if the day part of his life didn't disturb him then the night did. Each dream he had made his mind ache like it was slowly being pulled apart. Most of the time the nightmares he got went away with time, these got worse. They got more graphic, more real the more he dreamt them. He would wake cover in sweat, heart hammering away inside his chest, pounding against his ribs. His body trembled from the intensity, the raw feeling of the dreams. He stayed up most nights, not going to sleep until he had only a few hours to sleep until he had to get up for work. Trying, futilely, to get his body so exhausted he wouldn't be able to dream. It didn't really work, some nights the dreams would come anyway, taking what little sleep he could get away from him.

Finally, when the clock on the wall said it was almost four in the morning did Ryan go to bed, three beers sitting in his stomach, making him more tired. He stumbled to his bed kicking off his shoes and pulling his three-piece suit off, not bothering to worry that he was just leaving it on the floor. With only his boxers and one sock on he fell into bed, barely covering up with the sheets. He was so tired it took less than ten minutes from him to be completely asleep.

An hour later he started to turn in his bed, moaning softly into the sheets as he did.

 _He was in his apartment, sitting watching whatever was on the TV, eating his dinner. A knock came from his door. Putting down the beer he had in his hand he went to the door. As he opened it the man that knocked rushed in, pulling Kevin into his embrace._

 _The mystery man kissed him, nipping lightly at Ryan's lower lip as he walked Ryan back towards his bedroom. They were all hands and lips, clothes flew left and right as they stripped each other. Reaching the bedroom the man pushed Kevin onto his bed, climbing on top of him as he kissed his way up his unclothed chest, brushing his lips against the Irish man's neck._

 _The touching became more intimate, more intrusive, reaching places that weren't touched very often. While one hand was wrapped around his body, pulling him flush against the other man, the other hand was rubbing softly, slowing against his opening._

 _Never pressing in, just massaging the muscle, trying to get it to relax. Ryan gasped at the unfamiliar touch to that spot, the shiver of arousal vibrated through him, making him body stiffen. The other man simply kissed him some more whispering, "it's gonna be ok."_

 _The man reached over and pulled a tube of lube out of nowhere, before opening it and coating his fingertips with it._

" _This might be a little cold," he says as he returns his fingers to the homicide detectives nether regions._

 _Kevin opened his mouth to say something, the man kissed him before he could say anything. Knowing what he was about to say the man said, " I know. I'll be as gentle as I can."_

 _Running his fingers over the tight opening he slowly pressed one finger in, then another after a minute. He pushed and pulled his fingers out before slightly scissoring them, then he did it again, stretching the skin so the ring was looser. He stopped for a minute, moving his fingers around looking for something. He knew he found it when the smaller, man below him moaned loudly. Smirking he pressed on the bundle again, relishing in the sounds coming from the other man._

 _He added another finger, stretching the skin again, making sure that he would cause as little pain as he could for Kevin like he promised. As he pulled his fingers out of the now well-stretched opening, he gripped Ryan's back pulling him off the bed as the lube coated fingers grabbed one of his legs just above the knee, pulling it up and away from the other. The shadow covered man got onto his knees between Ryan's opened thighs as he wrapped the one leg he was holding around his naked waist. Nudging the tip of his member against the slightly gaping opening he didn't press in but waited, watching his lover's face for the nearly undetectable sign from him to continue on and press in._

 _The flicker of their eyes meeting each other was the sign he was waiting for, as each man looked into the other's eyes. The man with the molten chocolate eyes pressed fully into the man with the clear, stunning blue eyes. The blue eyes momentarily filled with tears, teeth clenched, with the burn of the stretch as he was filled completely by the hard flesh. Even they hadn't done much physical they were both dripping in sweat, panting as if they had just been running._

 _Taking a deep breath the dark-eyed man pulled out until just the tip was still inside before fastly pressing back in. Taking in the gasps and moans he found a good even pace that allowed him to watch the ecstasy that was plain on the freckled face before him._

 _As it came to a climax he reached down and was about to caress the blue-eyed man's erection, wanting to enjoy the squeak that he knew would come out at the unexpected touch, but he was too late. As he moved faster, harder he brought them both to completion, Ryan cumming without a touch from his lover. Kissing him on the lips again he looked down at the many love bite and hickies he left on the paler man's skin, they stood out so prominently against their pale background. He didn't pull out as his own manhood softened inside the other, the looked deep into his eyes, breathing in the vibrant way they shimmered with emotion._

" _I love you," said the chocolate-eyed man as he leaned in for one last kiss._


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the long wait I've been busy as hell, not to mention their were tecnical dificulties in getting this chapter out. hopefully i can get the next chapter out in a month and not two like this one.

i've also been taken over by so many plot bunnies ideas for fics have been popping up like bunnies are making them. i don't know when or if they'll be finished but i've been watching smallville and lets say pairing are in abundance

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Ryan sat up in his bed, eyes wildly flashing around the room looking for the dark eyed man. Seeing no one else there he fell back wards to lay back on the bed, tears flowed out of his eyes, rolling into his hairline. He could still feel the other man's touch even though the dream was over, each kiss he was given, his skin ached where the man had bitten and sucked at it. That wasn't the only thing he felt, beneath the covers, boxers, and sweat was his own release cooling as it glued his boxers to his body.

He tried to deny it, deny the enjoyment he got from the dreams. To see that man professing his love to him, making love to him. It made his heart ache, knowing that he would never do it in reality. By why would he want that, he wasn't gay, he had never before felt anything even close to attraction to another man in his whole life. Love yes, brotherly, familial, but never romantic, or sexual.

For whatever reason his mind and body were rebelling against him, he felt like he was at war with himself. His mind kept dreaming the same type of dream him alone, then the other man would show up and make mind blowing love to him. The dark eyed man would take care of him, keep him out of pain as much as possible, and say that he loved him. He tried not to cry when thinking of his dreams but the frustration had to come out some way. He was attracted to women, he always had been, until now. Now they were as beautiful as ever, but when he tried to think of anyone of them in a sexual way he couldn't help but think of how it felt to have his lover from his dreams filling him, making him moan with pleasure.

Throwing back the covers he got out of bed and made his way to his bathroom, wincing as his cum squished inside his underwear while he walked. Once in the bathroom he turned on the shower and stripped out of his gross clothes, using the already ruined boxers to wipe away some of the other semen. Hopping in the shower he flinched as the hot water hit his sensitive skin. He stood there letting the water wash away as much of the evidence as it could as he tried to come to terms with the dream he just had.

He wanted so bad for this living nightmare to be over, for the dreams to go away, and take the feelings they brought with them away as well. Ryan hugged himself as he sunk to the floor his tears mixing with the water as it rained down on him. He stayed there until the water grew cold, making him shiver with the ice cold feeling it gave off. When he knew he had to get out or receive hypothermia, he didn't bother to grab a towel, he simply walked back to his bed and curled up beneath the covers.

When he was finally not as cold anymore he saw that he needed to be to work in an hour he got up and went about his usual morning routine. Brush teeth, shave, shower, which he skipped, get dressed, and head out the door. Sometimes once he left his apartment he would sometimes get coffee or breakfast before work, but that depended if there was a dead body to go see or not. Checking his phone he had no messages, no messages equaled no body to see, so he went to a little diner near the precinct. Living close enough to his work he walked the ten block to the diner, where he got a stack of pancakes and about seven cups of coffee. Even though he wasn't cold per say, he did shiver every few minutes, and with the little sleep he got Kevin figured it wouldn't be so bad to load up on a few cups of hot caffeine.

The next three blocks to the station were daunting, to say the least, even thinking about the man made his member throb in his pants and his eyes water in pain. Squaring his shoulders he walked into work, not allowing his dreams to over power his mind, he focused on the case, and how many missing persons files he would be going through in the next hours.

"Hey, Ryan," Beckett greeted him as she walked into the building with him.

"Hey," he said quietly back to her.

"Did you get any sleep last night? You look terrible."

"Not much, too much going on inside my mind," he answered honestly.

"I know what you mean, this case is ... it's something else," she said as she pushed the up button for the elevator.

"Yeah...it is."

Reaching their floor they both got out of the elevator Beckett headed to her desk while Ryan headed to the conference where the boxes and files from missing person were still piled everywhere. Grabbing the only neat stack of files that were on the table, he took them out to Beckett.

"These are the ones that we've already looked through that match what we were looking for, but there are still hundreds of files to look through."

"Wow, I knew there would be a lot, be seeing them in front of me... How are none of these people found after these many years?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Ryan said as he crossed his arms in front of him to stop anyone from noticing they were shaking. "It's like we have cold cases. Not enough resources, bad leads, they were too smart, take your pick."

"I suppose. It doesn't make it any better though."

"BECKETT!"

"Oh god," said Beckett as she dropped her head into her hands. "Why does he have to be so happy in the mornings?"

"I have no idea, I hate mornings. I think it's because of you though."

"What, you think he does it to annoy me?" She asked, becoming alert.

"You really don't know?" He asked in marvel, wondering if she was that oblivious.

"Know what?"

"That he loves you. That the reason he's so excited in the mornings is because he's happy to see you."

"Do you have a concussion, Ryan?" She asked him with a smile, as she swung an arm behind her to rest on the back of her chair as she would often do. "He's not in love with me."

"You just don't see it. Why else would he stay? He doesn't need to follow you around to write Nikki Heat, he says to stay with you." Ryan gave her a pointed look, daring her to prove him wrong. "Watch him, he gives himself away, but only if you pay attention."

Before they could talk about it more Castle came over to them with the usual cup of coffee for Beckett.

"What ya talking about?" He asked as he handed Beckett her coffee.

"Nothing," she said quickly as she took the large styrofoam cup from the writer, never looking up at the man as he handed her the cup.

"Find anything knew about this case?"

"No, we still have hundred of files to go through, then go through the ones that are possible matches." Ryan moved over to his desk picking up his empty coffee cup. "Unless we come up with something else we're going to be going through those boxes for a while."

"Did you look for other murders? Ones that are at least slightly similar to this one?" Asked Castle as he looked at the crime scene pictures.

"I'll check on that, see if our counterfeiters left behind anymore bodies," Ryan said as he picked up his phone.

After getting off the phone he made a beeline to the expensive coffee machine Castle had bought them, the shivers had come back and in full force. Even after the many cups of burning hot coffee he had at the diner, and with how warm it was for being so early in the day he still hadn't escaped the cold that he could still feel. As he went to grab the now filled cup, someone came up behind him and clapped him on the shoulder making him spill the boiling hot liquid burning him as it splashed onto his hand.

"Damn it!" Ryan waved his hand in the air, making the coffee fly into the air and splatter across the room. "Javi, what the hell," he yelled as he saw his partner backing away from him.

"What?"

"What? What do you mean what? You just made me spill burning hot coffee all over my hand, that's what."

"Sorry bro, I didn't see you holding it."

"Well, I was," Ryan said as he moved over to the sink and ran a clean towel under the cold water before pressing it to his scorched hand. _First, the dream, the freezing shower, thought that was my fault, and now my hand burned. What else is gonna happen to me today,_ he thought as he started to clean up the spilled coffee with his unburned hand.

"I can get that for you," Esposito offered from above.

"It's already done. What did you want so bad that you had to scare me for?"

"I just wanted to say 'good morning', partner."

"For you maybe," he said sarcastically as he made himself another cup of coffee that he hoped would get spilled, at least not on him.

"I'll make it up to you, dinner tonight," Javier offered. "I'll cook something good."

"No... I mean tonight isn't good for me," Ryan didn't want Javi in his apartment, he couldn't risk his friend even having the slight chance of staying over and him having another one of those dreams while he was there. Most of the time when one of them went over to the other apartment they ended up staying the night. Between too many beers and staying up too late neither of them had the heart to send the other home alone, drunk in the middle of the night.

"Tomorrow then, I'll get some stuff and we'll watch the game after I cook us an amazing dinner."

Knowing that it would look too weird if he turned his friend down again he gave in. Normally he would jump at the chance to have his partner cook for him, Javi was a really good cook, courtesy of his mother. Sometimes he would even trick his partner into cooking from him by saying he was going to eat whatever he could find, or just make something himself. Kevin was the worst cook Javi had ever met, he was so bad he often burnt canned soup he was heating up.

"Yeah, sure tomorrow night. My place or yours?" Ryan asked already knowing the answer to his question.

"Yours obviously, even though you don't cook anything, and if you did you might be dead. From blowing up or food poisoning I don't know. And you have a better cable connection, mine still isn't fixed yet."

"We better get going we have a lot of files to read today," Ryan mumbled as he turned away from the other man as he headed out of the break room and to the conference room where he set his new cup of coffee down and sat in one of the many chairs and grabbed the nearest unread file.

Ten files later he hadn't found any ones that fit what he was looking for and he had a huge headache, mixing lots of coffee and reading wasn't a good match. The caffeine in the coffee made him twitchy and disoriented, which in turn made reading the copious amount of files just that much harder. With each page he read, he had to reread it at least twice and even then it didn't make much sense. Giving up he stood up from the table, snatched his jacket off his chair as he headed out of the precinct. Taking the stairs he walked down them and out the building. Three laps around the block later his headache was still there but he was much less twitchy, having walked off some of the excess energy he had from the coffee.

As the sun beat down on him he felt better, though the glare of it did nothing for his headache, he felt warmer, less cold. He knew it wasn't a good idea when he waited so long to get out of the shower, but he couldn't move, he was trapped. He often considered going to a therapist, wondering if the dreams were more than what they appeared if they were messing with his mind. He could have sworn up and down, on a bible, that he never felt anything for men like this before in his life. But some days he let the doubt fill his mind, that maybe he was finally ready to come to terms with what he really wanted, and that wasn't women. The sexual confusion was bad all by itself but when you consider who it was he was having the dreams about, the man that made love to him, it just got worse. The brown eyed man was straight as a line, he had many female companions, and was always talking about the ladies. There was not a hair of a chance he could have with the man, who in his dreams loved him completely.


	4. Chapter 4

Just a word of warning, in this chapter things get... let's just say shit happens. sorry for the wait my beta forgot I wanted to post this and didn't get a chance to look it over until today. enjoy.

)))))))))

Giving in Ryan returned to the precinct.

"Hey, where you been?" Asked Castle from where he was seated in his usual seat next to Beckett's desk.

"I had to clear my head, too many files to read. I took a walk around the block a few times."

"How are you? And don't bother saying 'fine', because both you and I know that you are not fine. If I had to guess last night was the tenth night in a row you didn't get any sleep. You're running on fumes, and from how shaky you are, I'd say seven cups of coffee. How long are you going to let this continue?" Asked the writer as he stood up and towered over the short detective.

"What else can I do?" Ryan asked his friend as his shoulders slumped.

"Well, what's keeping you from sleeping?"

Ryan gulped, he didn't want to tell anyone about his dreams, and if he was going to it would be a therapist. Someone who wouldn't tell anyone about his dreams, or know the person he was having sex with in them. But despite the fear he wanted so badly to talk to someone he trusted.

"Not here," he said as he lead Castle to the lounge-like room they used when interviewing family members and friends. Locking the door behind them Ryan then closed the blinds on the windows, giving them as much privacy as possible when surrounded by people.

"This is serious isn't it?" Asked a serious Castle who seemed bewildered by the actions his friend was making.

"Yeah, really serious. You have to keep what I'm about to tell you a complete secret, no one can know. Not your mom, daughter, no one here, you can't fit this into your books in any way. This _has_ to stay between you and me."

"Sure. What whatever you say. How bad is this?" The taller man asked as he sat down on one of the couches.

"It's not bad per say but it's definitely not good. It's dreams that have been keeping me up."

"Of the murders we see?" Castle didn't think it was the death they saw day in and day out that was causing such pain to his friend. They had been dealing with the dead together for three years, and with out him for two before he started working with them. He wanted to help his friend in any way possible, and even if it turned out that he couldn't give any advice, he would listen.

"No, it's nothing like that at all," Ryan said as he began to pace back and forth. He was doubting his decision to talk about his dreams with Castle, or anyone really, to voice out loud what was happening to him. "Have you ever had something affect you so much that it made you doubt yourself?"

"When Alexis was born. I was overwhelmed, when the time came to take care of her I panicked for days. I had read so many books, took classes on baby care, I prepared, but when it came time to put all that preparation in action I wasn't. I had to deal with it though, she was here and she had to be taken care of, there was no way around it. So I took it one day at a time, found the best nannies, and did what I could to make her into the person she is today. Though I think that was mostly dumb luck. She is more amazing, and smart than I ever thought she could be," he said, the proudness in his voice plain.

"I'm so confused," he admitted as he sat on the couch opposite Castle, his hand shaking. "Each night I'm afraid to go to sleep, I don't want to close my eyes because I know what's waiting for me once I do. It's always the same."

"Why are you so afraid of these dreams, they're only dreams. What is in them that scares you so much that makes you so unlike yourself?"

"That's exactly it, the dreams are making me unlike myself. Seven months ago I catch Jenny cheating on me, then three months after that, the dreams start. Once or twice a week I would get one, now I can barely go to sleep without getting one. Now I feel things, and in some cases don't feel things. I loved Jenny, now I don't think I would even be remotely attracted to her, or any woman for that matter."

"Are you say that the dreams you've been having are of a sexual nature? And from what you just said about being attracted to woman, I'm guessing that there are no women in your dreams." Ryan gave Castle a look, one that said everything for him, that Castle was right.

"How do you do that?" Ryan asked shocked that Castle guessed what his dreams were about.

"I'm a writer. With the few clues you gave me and words you used, I could write a book and get most if not all of it right without ever talking to you ever again."

"Good to know," he was now more worried about telling Castle more about his dreams, and who he was with in them. If he could tell what the dreams were about and what was happening to him because of them, he would be able to figure out who was with him in the dreams.

"So it's what happens in the dreams that's making you freak out like this? Is it just that? It's a man you've having sex with that causing all of this?"

"Yeah. I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to guys before in my life. Before all these crazy dreams I was attracted to women, only women. Now I can look at a woman and feel nothing at all close to any kind of attraction. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm not even sure as to why I've just told you, I can't keep doing this."

"Well, you've told me because I'm here, and I want to help you. I can tell you, and you should know this, that you don't just suddenly become gay, or stop being straight. I can tell you I've had my fair share of experimenting, and while I marry and date women I have had a few relationships with men. Sexual attraction I've found is forever changing. When you like someone it's not just how they look that makes you love them, it's them, their personality, and you like people despite what gender they are." Castle hadn't talked to anyone about these parts of his life in years. Between crazy ex-wives, writing, and more or less joining the NYPD he didn't have much time for real relationships. Besides he was in love, or as close to as in love with someone he wasn't in a real relationship with as he was going to get.

Ryan was stunned at Castle's ability to share parts of his personal life, it made more sense of who he was having sex with in the dreams. "I never thought of it that way, I was just so focused on how I wasn't gay to see things in this way. Unfortunately, this doesn't really help much, it won't stop the dreams or help me figure out if I'm gay or not. Maybe I'm bi, I don't know anymore."

"Well, you're the only one who can find out. Me I found out when I was drunk at a party and was kissed by this guy I was talking to. It wasn't the same as kissing a woman, but it was just as good, after that, I realized gender didn't really matter very much to me. But I do know the more you worry about it, fear these dreams, you won't be 'fine'".

"So what, I should go and kiss a guy?"

"Maybe," Castle said. "Maybe you should get some gay and lesbian porn. Watch both and see what you like better. If you want to, go see a therapist. Whatever you want to do to figure this out... I hope I've been of some help to you."

"You have Castle, thanks." Ryan felt a little better having talked to someone, but he was still confused. Maybe he would try some of Castle's suggestions, sometimes Castle's suggestions weren't good, in fact, they could be really bad, but he thought what the hell he didn't have anything to lose at this point.

CASTLE

After the four of them went through every missing person case file, stayed well past midnight. They had one hundred and forty-seven cases that fit what they were looking for. After the last file was looked at they called in a night and went to their respective apartments. All except for Detective Ryan. Who walked to the dinner he was at that morning. He went in, sat down, got a cup of coffee and just sat there. He didn't drink the hot cup he was holding in his hands, he didn't want to go home. Home meant sleep, sleep meant dreams, dreams meant confusion and fear. As he fought against the drowsiness he wanted so badly to go home and sleep, to curl up under the covers and wake up refreshed. Finally, he gave in and left the dinner his cup still full of coffee, though now it was cold.

The small walk to his apartment woke him up somewhat, but he was still dead on his feet. By the time he got to his building he was stumbling and had to stop and brace himself against the nearest building. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand as he swayed despite his grip on the building he was leaning on.

He was so distracted with staying awake that he didn't hear the footsteps that were coming behind him. Suddenly a shot rang through the air, piercing the night.

Ryan couldn't breathe, his chest burned, he could hear his heart beating in his ears as he fell to the ground. The edges of his eyes were getting dark. He tried to move, to call out for help, but he felt like he was in quicksand. Like he was sinking and couldn't stop. He could feel the cold from the cement beneath him start to creep into his body, as his hot blood started to spread out around him leaving him in a pool of his own blood. He reached for his phone, feeling as he reached for it. After a few tries he goes it out, once it was out he tried to see through the blood that covered it. As the minutes went by and he started to feel colder, though whether it was from the ground or loss of blood he wasn't sure. Just as he dialed nine one one the darkness closed in on him. Ryan could hear the operator speaking to him from his phone, but it was like it was from far away, like the operator was whispering.

The more the operator asked who was there and what was wrong she got worried, she could hear laboured breathing, something that sounded like mumbled words, and moans of pain. Finally, she figured the person was in such a condition that they couldn't answer her questions. Using the GPS tracking that came with calling nine one one she found where the call was coming from and sent an ambulance there. Just to be sure she stayed on the line the whole time, listening for anything. Soon she heard the ambulance siren over the phone, then the EMT's when they got to the caller.

"Young male, GSW to the back, he's bleeding out."

"I've got a pulse, it's getting weaker," said a female voice.

"Let's get him in the ambulance and hurry, he's lost too much blood."

"What's this?" Asked the female EMT as she picked up what looked like a wallet. As she looked in side she found herself looking at his detective's badge, "Oh god, he's a cop."

"Call the hospital, priority one, NYPD officer down. Call everyone. we need officers on the scene."

"Hurry we're losing him!"


	5. Chapter 5

Javier Esposito hated being woken up in the middle of the night, sure he had gotten used to it between being in the military and being a cop, but that didn't mean he had to like it. That being aside, he was a morning person, but it was the middle of the night, not the morning. Reaching for his phone he hoped it would be a wrong number so he could go back to sleep. Seeing the caller ID he knew he was in no such luck.

"What do you want Beckett?" He croaked, his throat dry from the disuse of sleeping.

"Something's happened, you need to get to Lenox Hill Hospital now," she said, sounding panicked.

"Why? What happened? What's wrong?"

"There was a shooting... It's Ryan." There was a sob in Beckett's voice.

Javier's heart stopped. How could his partner be shot, and he wasn't there to protect him, back him up. "How? What happened?"

"We don't know. He was able to call nine one one, and the operator sent an ambulance, and they found his badge. That's all we know right now, you should get here as soon as possible."

As Kate spoke to him over the phone Javier ran around his apartment grabbing his clothes, his cell being held in place by his shoulder.

"You said Lenox Hill?"

"Yeah, get here as soon as possible ok."

"Be there as soon as I can," Javier promised as he hung up.

He got dressed so fast he could have given a quick change artist a run for his money. Grabbing his wallet, gun, badge, and keys to their car, he headed out of his apartment running. Not stopping until he got to the nearby parking structure and into his car. For a police officer, it wasn't very good of him, but he speeded all the way to the hospital. Once he got there he didn't care that he parked in a handicap only parking spot. Running into the emergency room he headed to the reception desk.

The receptionist was on the phone, as Esposito went to say something he raised his hand with the 'one minute, wait' gesture, Javi waited for a three seconds before he grabbed the phone out of his hand.

"Sir, what do you think you're doing?"

"I want to know where my friend is," Espo growled at the receptionist.

"I'm sorry I can't give out confidential medical information. Now you will have to leave before I call security."

"I am looking for Detective Kevin Ryan, I am his partner Detective Esposito. I was called and told to come here, I was told he was shot."

"Sorry Detective, he is in surgery, but the other Detectives are waiting down the hall. Five doors down the hall to your right in the surgical waiting room." The receptionist paled slightly when Javi said he was looking for the cop that had been shot earlier when the paramedics brought him in they were having problems keeping him alive.

"Thanks," Espo said as he headed down the hallway. When he got to the waiting room Beckett and Castle were just sitting there not moving much, except for the tears that were rolling down Kate's cheeks.

"Javi," she said as she looked over at the doorway. Both Castle and her stood up and gave him hugs.

"Do we know anything? Is he going to be ok? What do we know about why and how he was shot? Was he at home?"

"We don't know much. They said he lost a lot of blood before the paramedics got to him, after that we haven't heard any new information. They said he was found a block from his apartment, laying in the middle of the sidewalk less than an hour ago."

Castle walked over to the coffee machine that was set up on a counter at the back of the room and set about making three cups of coffee.

"But that was two hours after we all left the precinct? Why was he still out? Why wasn't he at home?"

"We don't know. He was unresponsive at the scene, and then when they got him here, he was rushed to surgery. We barely know anything," Beckett brushed another set of tears from her cheeks as she talked to Esposito, unable to stop them from escaping her eyes. "He'll be ok Javi, he has to be."

CASTLE

Hours, and too many cups of coffee to count they still hadn't heard anything about Kevin from the nurses. Gates did call with an update from CSU about the crime scene. Seeing as it was the middle of the night, so far there were no witnesses, and there wasn't much to be found at the crime scene.

Getting frustrated, and amped up from the caffeine Javi was pacing back and forth so fast, he looked like he was doing a road runner impersonation.

Finally what seemed like days later a man in scrubs came into the waiting room.

"Are you all here for Kevin Ryan?"

"Yes we are, is there any news?" Castle asked, oddly enough being the most level-headed of the three of them at the moment.

"I'm doctor Stevenson, I'm the head surgeon on his case. When he was shot it hit a main artery as well as bounced off his ribs hitting his heart. We've repaired a lot of the injuries but, he's lost a lot of blood, and unfortunately, he's AB negative, which as you may or may not know is a very rare blood type. We've used all the AB negative we have here in the hospital, but he needs more, and we don't have any. Are any of you AB negative?"

They all looked at each other, each gave a small shake of their head.

"That's a shame. He needs blood and fast. Even if we repair everything, he will need the blood, he will die unless we can get some and soon. He doesn't have much time without it. If you could ask some of your friends, or other officers, he must have that blood."

As the man turned to leave Castle remembered something.

"Wait! If I'm remembering right I think my daughter has AB negative blood. Let me call my mom and have her bring Alexis down here."

"Before you do that how old is she? Because if she's younger she might not have the blood to spare."

"She's seventeen," Castle told him.

"She should be big enough for one or two pints, but he will need more, please call whoever you can. When your daughter gets here, tell the receptionist that she needs blood testing for immediate emergency donation, they'll know what to do." With that last word he turned and left the waiting room.

The three of them pulled out their phones and made calls to Gates, other officers hoping that someone had AB negative blood, and for Martha to bring Alexis to the hospital to donate blood.

Not long after Alexis showed up, over twenty officers showed up, all with AB negative blood, ready to donate blood. Only half of them weren't able to donate for one reason or another but those who could, did.

Later, well after the sun had risen and been up for awhile, did the doctor return,

"I hear a lot of officers showed up to give blood. If only we could get a turn up like that every time we need blood."

"How's he doing?" Asked Javier as he rushed over to the doctor.

"Thanks to the blood that was given he is doing much better. The surgery is over and we are sending him up to the ICU right now, you should be able to see him in an hour or so. I will warn you now that on the way here and once during surgery we did lose him and were able to bring him back. I'm not sure if he will have any long-term brain damage because of the lack of oxygen. He also hit his head hard when he fell after being shot. It left a cut and some bruising, but we don't think he has a concussion because of it, but there is still the chance we missed it. So when you see him and he wakes up report any odd behavior, confusion, or memory loss."

"We will. Thank you."

"You can go up now and wait there if you like, the fourth floor, corridor B."

They headed off the ICU waiting room where they waited some more, then again the doctor did say it would be an hour before they could see him.

"Kevin Ryan?" Asked the nurse that came into the waiting room, her greying hair pulled back into a tight bun.

"Yes," the three of them said at the same time.

"If you'd like to see him you can come with me. He isn't awake and he won't be for a while. Because of how badly hurt he was we want him to rest as long as possible."

"How long will he be out?"

"A few extra hours, not much longer than it would normally take a patient to come out of anesthesia. You can all see him now but only one of you can stay with him. The ICU must remain as quiet and empty as possible so we can do our work." they followed her as she led them down a silent hallway, one or two nurses walked by them, making next to no noise, like they weren't really there. "Here he is, sixty-nine B. You can stay for about half an hour, no longer. But you can come back later during regular visiting hours on to check on him."

As she walked away they stood outside the room in silence, none of them wanting to go in first, or at all. Glancing at his friend's, Castle moved to go in first. Opening the door, he stepped inside the sparse, darkly lit room. His eyes going towards the bed, and the small figure lying in it. As he stared at the bed, he held the door open behind him, allowing the two detectives to glance in without actually coming in the room. Taking in a deep breath Castle let go of the door and moved to stand near the hospital bed, making sure not to disturb Ryan or the many wires that lead to his hurt friend from the various machines and bags that surrounded him like a forest. He didn't notice the other two finally coming into the room, his focus was completely on his friend. He could believe that just earlier the day before that he was sharing his deepest thoughts, fears, and problems. Now here he was, fighting for his life, coming back from the dead.

Castle wondered though he didn't want to sound like a pessimist. That if he survived, and didn't have memory loss or brain damage if things would change. If he would admit the love he had for Javi, that he could be gay, or bi. He hoped his friend would be able to find some kind of peace, either in life or death, however, the cards were dealt.

Reaching out Javi grasped Ryan's hand as he came to stand next to his bed. His breath shuddered out in relief as he felt the warmth of his partner's hand. Cops lost partners all the time, to one thing or another, but this was one Javi wasn't prepared to lose. Looking down on the smaller man he looked even smaller in the hospital bed with all the wires and tubes sticking out of him, the bandage around his chest adding the paleness of his skin. Which was even paler than normal, whether it was from the blood loss or the dark lighting he didn't know.

Biting back a sob he didn't want to blink or take his eyes off of Kevin for a moment as if he would disappear if Javier did. Or that all this was a dream and if he looked away he wouldn't find himself in the hospital, but in their morgue with Laine autopsying his body.

Time seemed to fly, it seemed like a minute had gone by and a nurse was at the door telling them that it was time for two of them to leave.

Kate and Rick glanced at each other, deciding that they would leave and go to the station to see what was happening with the investigation into Ryan's shooting, and Javi would stay. Saying that they would tell him if anything came up they left the room as Javi quickly let go of Ryan's hand to move a chair next to the bed before grabbing it again, holding the cold hand in a tight grip.

"You can't leave me," Javi whispered in a low voice, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I can't lose you."


	6. Chapter 6

Ryan was in the dark, it went on forever. No matter how long or far he ran the darkness was all-encompassing, pressing in on him from all sides. He wasn't sure where he was or why he was here, all he knew was that he was there, for some reason, and he hurt. His chest often felt like it was on fire, burning deeply into his skin. Time felt like nothing, he couldn't tell if it was passing, or if it was there at all. Nothing changed, the darkness never gave way, the pain didn't stop, but it changed. It was burning and then it wasn't, it became a pain filled ache like he had been shot with a kevlar vest on, the bullet didn't kill but it left damage.

Sometimes he thought he could hear voices, some loud like they were yelling. Others so quiet it was like they weren't there, to begin with. He yelled out, hoping they would hear him, save him from the ever-encroaching dark.

Then everything changed, he was home, in his apartment, alone. Or so he thought.

 _He could feel the other man behind him, moving closer until he was almost touching him, just a breath away. He was naked, Ryan could feel the heat of his bare skin through his three-piece suit, the feel of the bare skin so near but not touching made him want to fidget. Arms reached out grasping him from behind, pulling him closer to the other man's body, until they moulded together. The man was just a touch taller than him, but he was more muscled, wider. His hard member fit perfectly against Ryan's ass, pressing against the crevasse between his cheeks. His arms covered Ryan's chest engulfing him in his arms, holding his own to his sides. He wanted to move, to test his hold, but before he could he felt the chocolate-eyed man's hot breath against the back of his neck, caressing his neck in its warmth. The breath soon left, replaced by a pair of soft warm lips as they grazed his hairline, teasing at the sensitive skin._

 _Ryan couldn't help but let out a gasp in shock as the man's teeth scratched at his skin, making him shiver. His breath hitched as the muscled man pushed his erection against his ass as he pulled Kevin even closer if that was possible._

 _Sucking at the pale skin he manoeuvred Ryan around the room leading him to his bedroom. He didn't let Ryan go, continuing to suck and now bite at the skin on the back and sides of his neck, pulling gasps, moans, and whimpers from the Irishman. Now with an impressive array of love marks and hickeys, he let Ryan go, releasing his arms. Not that he got far. Ryan was so enraptured at the pleasure that the man was causing him he wasn't expecting to be released and was unprepared for his knees to give way beneath him. Not that his dream lover let him fall, he swooped Ryan off his feet, pulling him bridal style into his arms. The chocolate eyed man kissed him as he cradled him in his strong steady arms, before lowering him to the bed, lips still attached as he plundered the blue-eyed man's open, inviting mouth._

 _He kept his hands on Ryan as he set him on the bed, running his hands down the lithe body, pulling at the clothes that covered his heated, sensitive skin. Sliding his hand back up his body he unbuttoned the vest that covered his torso, lips slipping down to exposed Adam's apple the bobbed with each breath. Biting down softly the brown-eyed man pushed the vest away and started on the button up shirt that was behind it, almost breaking the buttons off in a hurry to remove the offending piece of fabric. With the shirt out of the way, the man now had access to the pale chest before him, he moved his hands to the nipples that he couldn't resist touching. Delighting in the mewls of pleasure that Ryan gave him, as he rubbed, and softly pinched the pointed flesh, he licked from the neck where he was finished making marks, for now, to the middle of his chest before continuing down until he hit the waistband of the fitted pants. Using his teeth he slid the zipper down and pulled the button lose, opening the pants completely to his probing mouth._

 _With a final pinch, he removed his hands from the pale chest and pulled down the pants, took off his shoes and socks before spreading the now unenclosed legs. Placing himself in between the gap he grasped the smaller man's hips inching him closer to his body. With all the clothes but his underwear out of the way the muscled man reached over and took something off the dresser, out of Kevin's eyesight. He knew what it was when he felt the cold of the metal against one of his wrists. He went to sit up, to look at his wrist, but the man put his hand down in the middle of his chest, stopping him from moving. With one hand he cuffed both of Ryan's hands above his head, using the bars of the frame to hold the cuffs in place. Ryan squirmed in place, not making much effort to get away from the man that was looking down at him from above. Instead of placing his hand on the blue-eyed man's chest he ground his hard member into Ryan's, breathing in the groan of pleasure at the pressure that was placed on his manhood._

 _Cupping Ryan's erection with one hand he grabbed the usual lube from the bedside table, his fingers flitted along teasing at the heated, hard flesh beneath his palm. Dropping the lube next to him he pulled at Ryan's neck, forcing his head up to kiss him, making him arch his back as his hard member pushed itself into the open waiting palm. He kissed Ryan for the longest time, breaking only to allow a moment's breath before kissing him again. Kevin was becoming so light headed he could do nothing but allow the other man to do as he pleased, not that he would have objected if he could. He enjoyed the cool feeling of the others hands against the heated flesh, the way he knew exactly where to touch, how to touch, to use everything he could to get the best reaction out of him. He was at the mocha eyed man's mercy, laid out like a buffet of desserts, free for the taking. And did he take. He took Ryan beyond any pleasure he had felt before, any woman that he had been within the past couldn't even compare to a simple kiss from the other man, he outshined them all. He was a diamond, while the woman were clear plastic, melting in the sun._

 _With a look in his eye, the man pulled away, and grabbed the lube again, turning the bottle over in his hands, contemplating his next actions. Tugging the boxers down he gazed down at a now full naked Ryan who was once again squirming underneath him. Quickly coating two fingers with lube he lightly pressed them to the squirming man's entrance, which stilled the squirming immediately. He prepared he like he always did, slowly, carefully, and with as much preparing as possible, so he didn't hurt the smaller man. Giving the prostate one last rub he pulled his fingers out, and placed his lube covered erection at the small hole before pressing in and completely penetrate the man below him. He didn't move but watched as Ryan writhed, his impaled body wants more, craves more. He whimpered at the overwhelming fullness, at the underwhelming lack of touch._

 _He trembled as he cried out, "please, please do something. PLEASE!"_

" _How much do you want me? Tell me how much you want me. Beg me to fuck you, to break you. To ruin you, so no one, man or woman can ever give you what you really want. Doing you want me to kiss you, make you shiver, with uncontrolled pleasure? Do you want me to move, to pound in and out of you so long and hard that you won't even know your own name by the time I'm done with you? Tell me," the man whispered to him, making his body feel just that more hotter, that more sensitive._

 _Ryan wanted all these things, and much more, he wanted this to be real to have this man before him that he really wanted, to really do these things to him. To be with him in every way they could be together. "Yes, please I want you, I want you to do all of those things to me, please."_

" _As you wish, my love."_

 _Without further ado, the man began to fuck Ryan. he pulled out and pushed back in in mere seconds. Loving the way that Ryan's hips tried to follow, to bring the hard flesh back into his body, to keep him as close as he could for as long as he could. He whimpered with need as the mocha eyed man bent down over him to nip and suck at one of his nipples while one of his hands pinched and rubbed at the other, making Ryan gasp loudly in ecstasy._

 _Ryan began to mumble between gasps and moans, lost in a world of pleasure that he didn't want to leave. He had the man he loved with him, loving him, what more could he want. He didn't, couldn't linger on these thoughts as he felt the wave building. With each pound, kiss, touch the wave grew like a tidal wave. He didn't even have to touch Ryan's member, he came as the wave came crashing down on him, enveloping him in its pleasure. As Ryan came the inner walls of his opening tightened around the brown-eyed man's member, squeezing his cum out of him, pulling his climax from him._

 _They panted as one, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking. Giving him a kiss the chocolate-eyed man removed the handcuffs, freeing his lover from his position. Seeing the forming bruises he kissed at the tender, hurt flesh in a silent apology. He held the man against his chest, spooning him from behind as he laid both of them down to rest on the bed, their bodies covered in sweat and cum._

 _Then and there Ryan knew he wanted to stay here with his lover, to never leave. But then he heard a voice again, it was too soft he could have pretended he hadn't heard it, that it wasn't there._

" _You can't leave me," the voice whispered mournfully. "I can't lose you."_

 _He knew the voice, it was one he heard every day, one that he longed to hear, say, things that it only said in his dreams. He looked behind him at the man whose arms he was in. They were the same, down to the last hair, but it still wasn't the same, it wasn't the man he loved with all his heart. He pulled away from the arms holding him, he wanted what was real._

 _It became dark again, falling over him like an eclipse, destroying his dream world, until he was no longer there._

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Ryan's eyes were closed but he could feel light shining down on his eyelids.

 _What is that beeping_ , he asked himself.

He felt cold, except for his hand, it was surrounded by warmth. Slowly opening his eyes he looked around the unfamiliar room. He could tell it was a hospital room, they all looked the same, cold, sparse, and sterile. The beeping he now realized came from the machines around him, but that wasn't what caught his attention. It was what was making his hand warm, or who was making it warm. The man he was dreaming of was his partner Javier Esposito. His breath caught in his throat, he couldn't believe his eyes.

Javier looked up at the gasp, and Ryan found himself looking into the same chocolate eyes. They stared at each other, neither looking away or even blinking as if what they were seeing would disappear in the blink, like it was never there, to begin with.

" 'vi," Ryan croaked, voice not cooperating with him as he tried to say his friend's name.

"Kev?" Javier asked softly, tears flowing from his watery eyes.

"Javi."

"Oh my god." Esposito hugged his friend being careful not to disturb the many wires and tubes coming from his friend. "I thought I lost you."

"Y-you didn't. You won't," Ryan said with conviction.

"What?" Asked Javier as he pulled away from the hug to look in his friend's face, slightly confused at Ryan's words.

"I love you Javi."


	7. Chapter 7

Javier Esposito didn't know what to say, he was speechless, which didn't happen, he always had a response to everything. Normally he would have said something like 'love you too bro', but somehow he knew Ryan didn't mean the brotherly love they had felt for each other and said before. This was different. This was more real, emotional. He could see Ryan staring at him, feel the unspoken question hanging in the air between them, waiting for any kind of response.

Ryan could hear his heart breaking in the deafening silence that encased him. He trembled in the bed, body shaking from the silent rejection.

"I-i should go get a nurse, they'll want to know your awake." He ran out of the room, even if he didn't run he wanted to get out of the room as fast as he could.

Ryan didn't even attempt to force back the tears, he let them wash over his face, staining it with the salt from the tears. He should have known it wouldn't be a good idea to say anything, he had hoped that Javier could feel something for him, if not the same way. Hearing footsteps approaching he wiped the tears away just as the nurse came into the room, alone.

"Who are you feeling young man? Are you in any pain?"

"Ok I guess, I'm not sure."

"That's to be expected. Do you know what happened, why you're here?"

"No, I don't remember anything happening to me. What happened?" Ryan asked, worried about himself.

"You were shot, from behind. From what your colleagues have figured is that you were walking home and someone shot you from behind. You were found a block from your apartment building in the middle of the sidewalk. You called nine one one before you passed out. Why were you out that late? Your partners said you all left just after midnight, but you were shot around three thirty."

"I stopped at an all-night dinner I go to sometimes. I only live thirteen blocks from the precinct, the dinner is between there and my apartment. I wasn't that tired at the time so I stopped in to have a cup of coffee and think about some stuff. But I was getting tired after a while and started to walk home, I don't remember anything after that."

"Besides getting shot you hit your head when you fell, you might have a concussion but were not sure yet. You did a good scrape and bruising from it. You lost a lot of blood when you were shot it hit some major arteries and your heart. The damage has been repaired and you were given blood to replace your own. You are very lucky, you had quite the number of officers stopping in to give blood. Because you have AB negative blood, and we were short on it, to begin with, we asked who could donate and donate they did. Even the daughter of one of your partners came in to give blood, Alexis her name was. Anyway, I'll let the doctor know you're awake, he'll be by to see you soon. I'll also call your other partners, let them know."

"Where is..."

"Oh, he said he had to leave. I asked when he would be back but he said he wasn't sure." She left quickly, leaving him alone, chest hurting painful, though it had nothing to do with the bullet hole.

CASTLE

Esposito had to get out of their, he didn't want to leave Ryan alone in the hospital, but he couldn't face him at the moment. He passed a pair of officers, that Gates sent to guard Ryan, she wanted to be sure just in case his shooting wasn't an accident.

When he got to the station he found Beckett and Castle looking over a report.

"Hey, how is he? Gates got a call that he was awake."

"He's fine, he doesn't have any memory problems as far as I know. What are you two looking at?" He asked, hoping they could take his mind off of Ryan's declaration.

"Well when we were looking into the files we narrowed down we found this," Beckett said as she handed him the folder. "This is a murder that happened when an Angela Cameron was taken, two days before the local police found this Jane Doe shot from behind, covered with a residue of green ink. They haven't been able to find out who she is or who killed her. On a hunch from Castle we looked into unsolved murders of Jane Doe's shot from behind, with green ink residue, then the areas the FBI thought the counterfeiter was living. We found thirteen women. All white, dark hair, all kidnapped within the first year of their birth, all within the past thirty years. The oldest murders are of girls only ten and sixteen. The rest are in their mid twenties like our vic now. They all have the same bone breaks, childbirth, abortion, and sexual abuse signs."

"So you were right Castle he has killed before. And he did try again, Ryan was shot at close range from behind. He's here, in New York." Javier felt his heart stop in his chest, the guy was trying to kill Ryan, it was only luck that he didn't succeed.

"Yeah, we figured that out too, but we have nothing to go on. Ryan was on a side street, no cameras, and no one says they saw a thing. We don't know who we're looking for, what he looks like, or where to find him. We need a miracle."

Esposito turned away, stomping over to the break room, Castle following behind him.

"Is everything ok?" Castle asked as he searched Espo's face, his eyes taking in every twitch.

"What do you mean?" Javi asked back, but it was too late, Castle already saw it.

"He told you."

"What are you talking about?" Esposito was shocked, what did Castle know.

"So he did. I didn't expect him to tell you so soon."

"So what you knew, you knew that he was in love with me?" Javier asked, his voice harsher than he was expecting it to come out.

"Yes," Castle had hoped that Ryan would have taken more time before sharing his feeling with the person he had them for, to have been more sure of himself. "Earlier in the day, before he got shot we talked. He didn't say it was you but I knew, I knew what was happening to him before we walked. The talk just confirmed what my instincts had already told me. All these months, all the days he came in looking like crap, he was dreaming, of you. He was so confused. He didn't know if he was gay or bi, going crazy, he did know that he loved you."

Javier was speechless for the second time that day, here was his friend explaining to him that his best friend was in love with him.

"I don't know what to do? I..."

"You need to get yourself sorted. Ryan doesn't need this on top of getting hurt. Go... I'll tell Beckett and Gates that something unavoidable came up. The last thing you need to do is hurt Ryan more than you already have."

Castle covered for Espo with Gates before heading over to the hospital to see Ryan, he knew Kevin would need someone who knew what was happening, how to help him. With the way Javi was acting, Ryan would be in a world of hurt.

He knew he was right when he went into the hospital room. Ryan looked terrible, Castle could see the tear marks on his face, the water blotches on the robe and sheets.

"Ryan..." he signed as he looked at his friend.

"I'm stupid, aren't I? To think that he could feel anything like that for me. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? He was here, saying how he couldn't lose me, and for a moment I hoped."

Ryan trembled in the bed, shaking with silent sobs that broke Castle's heart. He tossed his jacket onto the chair next to the bed and pulled Ryan into his arms, holding him tightly as the sobs racked his body. He felt so thin, his ribs stuck out from his body, he had lost some weight before the shooting, but now? He was at least ten pounds lighter. He didn't need this, Castle thought to himself as Ryan's tears soaked his shirt. He was hurting before he was almost killed by their mystery counterfeiter. Castle often wished the world was one of his books, so he could rewrite it, he had never wished it so bad as he did now. He wanted to take the pain away, make everything better. Sure he would have made it a little difficult for Ryan to get Javi to fall in love with him, but he wouldn't have caused him pain, not like this.

Soon the sobs slowed until they stopped completely. Ryan had fallen asleep in Castle's arms. Placing him back on the bed castle covered him with the sheets before sitting on the chair next to the bed. He watched over his friend as he slept fitfully in the unfamiliar bed. If he was so inclined he would have liked to give Ryan a chance at happiness with him, but he loved Kate too much, and Ryan loved Javi. But whether any of them would have a happy ending, together or apart, remained to be seen.

CASTLE

 _Ryan would have given anything to be in one of his usual dreams, that were at the time, more like nightmares, but now he really was in one._

 _Javi stood before him, except this time he wasn't Ryan's lover._

" _Are you sick? You think I could like you like that? I'm not gay, and the thought that you love me like that makes me sick to my stomach. You're a perv. How long have you been creeping on me? Weeks? Months? Years? You sick freak. It's a good thing Jenny cheated on you, you're obviously not a man. I wonder how long Jenny knew before she started having sex with real men?"_

" _Why are you saying that. I'm not sick, being gay isn't sick. I love you, why are you doing this to me?"_

" _Because you sickos deserve it," he yelled before punching Ryan in the face. "I can't believe my partner, mine. Is a fucking fag. You are beyond sick."_

 _Ryan was so shocked he couldn't move. He was unprepared for the first blow, let alone the ones that followed. The punches were soon joined by kicks, the blood flowed from his face making his vision blurry. He was soon on the ground, fighting for breath as Javier kicked at his ribs, breaking them with a hail of hard kicks._

" _You are going to leave me alone I never want to see you again."_

 _Javier left Ryan's broken and bleeding body laying on the floor of his apartment, his whole body ached, he couldn't move, or breath without the pain flaring through him. He had never wanted to die before in his life. He often wondered how people committed suicide, that they wanted to die so bad that they killed themselves. Now he knew. He knew why because he wanted to die. He couldn't believe how painful it was to have Javi turn on him, to yell horrible things at him, to hurt him this horribly. The physical pain was bad enough, but it barely could compare to the emotional pain Javier was currently causing him._

 _The darkness was back, as deep and encompassing as ever. But this time it felt like it was crushing him under its weight. This time he didn't fight it, he let the darkness envelop him completely. The darkness was cold, hard, it pressed down on him. It was already hard to breathe from the wounds the man he loved with all his heart had inflicted on him, but now the darkness was making it even worse, it was sucking the air from his lungs. Until there was nothing but darkness._


	8. Chapter 8

It was decided that they would try to keep Ryan in the hospital as long as possible if the killer was still coming after him they wanted him somewhere they could protect him. Not that Ryan had any say in it, with his injuries he wouldn't be able to live alone, he wouldn't ab able to take care of himself, of his injuries like the nurses could.

Meanwhile, Beckett, Castle, and Esposito searched for the counterfeiter, but everything leads to dead ends, and more dead ends. They were all strung out, only catching a few hours of sleep at a time, Javi and Castle were worse than Beckett. Each of them fighting an inner battle while hunting for the killer. Castle fought his instincts to hurt Espo for hurting Ryan, for making him so insecure. Javi was fighting the confusion of having another man being in love with him, his best friend, his partner. He did love him, but not that way, he was straight. So was Ryan before, at least according to Castle, until Ryan started to dream about him.

CASTLE

Ryan sat in the hospital bed, hours went by, but it felt like days until it was days. Then more days, until he was in their so long he wondered if the city was going to be able to pay for the hospital bill. His scars were healing, the scrape on his head was healed, and no concussion. And no Javi. he hadn't returned since Ryan told him how he felt, that he loved him. Castle and Beckett had visited a few times, Castle more than Beckett. Each time Castle visited he seemed worried for the Irishman. He was right to be. Being in the hospital for over two weeks had given Ryan an advantage, he knew went the nurses would come and go, shift changes when they would check on him. He waited, planed until he was sure they wouldn't be able to stop him, save him.

He waited until just before midnight, the nurses checked on him at eleven thirty, and no one was allowed to visit after ten. And no one would come and look in on him until at least one, after the shift change at midnight. He made sure that he had the dark blue sheet, he wanted to be able to hide the blood for as long as possible. He took off the pulse reader that was on his finger, letting it drop to the floor. Making sure no one was coming he took out the small switchblade he kept on his persons at all times. Having carried it when he was undercover in the Irish mob, he found it useful to have the small easily concealed knife, and he never stopped carrying it even after he stopped being undercover. It was on him when he was shot so it was in his personal effects that the hospital had given him back when he woke up.

He took it out and stared at it, of all the ways he could die on the job, he was choosing this way, how he died. Even in a hospital full of things that could kill him this was the easiest way.

He flicked the blade open, watching how it gleamed in the dim light. It was easy to run the blade across his left wrist, the blood bubbled up from the cut like water from a spring. With all the drugs in his system, he barely felt the sting of his skin being cut open. He quickly slit the other wrist, before pulling the dark sheet over his arms, covering the blood and the cuts from prying eyes.

He never thought that this is where he would end up in life, that this is where his life would end. He embraced it though, he didn't know how to live anymore, he had learned that while he waited, hoped that Javier would come and see him. If he could have he would have went to Esposito, would have confronted him, asked him if he could deal with the fact that his partner loved him. He was stuck though, he could leave, and Javi wouldn't come to him so he only had one choice left.

He could feel the heat of the blood spreading out, seeping into the fabric of the sheets around him, pooling in the bed. He closed his eyes as he leaned back onto the raised part of the bed, giving him the illusion of being asleep. Soon his heart sounded loud in his ears, blocking out all other sounds, until he could feel it struggle to beat.

CASTLE

They had finally caught a break. The reason their vic had had her fingertips burnt off was because the FBI had found his printing press six years ago, it had many fingerprints on it though none belonged to a man, they were all too small. Beckett looked back at all the reports the FBI had had on him and she found something, a house. Right before they were about to raid this little no nothing farmhouse they had gotten a letter from the counterfeiter from two cities over, so they never raided the house. Looking up the house she found that no one knew it was there so it hadn't been sold or repossessed by the bank that should have owned it. Beckett had local police raid it and search it for anything that could be useful. They had found four sets of fingerprints and lots of possessions and such that were obviously left behind.

"They found a match for one of the sets of prints belonging to a Morgan Roberts, missing since seventy-four, convicted child molester and kidnapper. He was caught with a missing two-year-old girl and sentenced to seven years with a chance at parole in five. He was released then he disappeared, and hasn't been seen since. The little girl was white with brown hair, this has to be him," said Beckett as she read from the report she had just been given.

"While they have a picture of him, it's not going to do us much good, it's thirty years old. He could have grey hair, wrinkles, a beard, he's not going to look anything like this, unless he's Tom Cruise." Castle knew he had a point, even if Beckett didn't want to see it.

"It's better than nothing. At least now we know who we're looking for," Kate said. She didn't want to admit it but Castle was right, the picture was of little help to them.

"Well before I go home I'm going to see Ryan and tell him our news, even if it's not going to help much. Like you said, we at least know who we're looking for now."

Putting on his coat Castle left and headed straight to the hospital. It was after visiting hours and they didn't want to let him in, but after one of the officers that were watching the entrance, he came in vouched for him. He went into Ryan's room and saw that Ryan was asleep. Normally he would have just left and come back, but something was wrong, he felt it. Ryan looked pale, sure he looked pale all the time that was his complexion, but this was different. He looked paler in the hospital but that was because of his blood loss and the shot wound, but he looked more pale than ever before. Flicking on the light he moved next to the bed, only to stop short, the monitor was blank, he wasn't breathing. Castle ran out and to the nearest nurses station, screaming for help. The nurses followed him to Ryan's room, only to see something that stopped them in their tracks.

"Mr Castle he's fine to see, the monitor cord fell off his finger, it's very common." The nurse bent over and picked up the cord, before pulling back the sheet to replace it on his finger, only to find a sea of blood.

"Kelly, get a crush cart!" The nurse put her fingers to his neck. "I've got a pulse, very weak."

Another nurse started pulling back more of the sheets and found Ryan's wrists. "He's cut both of his wrist's, looks pretty deep, calls Doctor Walker for emergency surgery. Looks like you were right to come get us, Mr. Castle, I think you've just saved his life."

"Please call me when you get some news, please," Castle begged.

Castle then watched in stunned silence as they nurses wheeled away from the barely alive body of one of his best friends. He couldn't believe that Ryan could have tried to commit suicide, he knew he wasn't good after Esposito's abrupt and complete dismissal of Ryan. Sure maybe it wasn't that bad but except in reference to the case he didn't mention Ryan in any way or visit him in the hospital. Ryan had lost more weight and had become very quiet the longer he stayed in the hospital, each time Castle saw him his heart broke a little bit more for his friend. Castle knew what it was like to love someone who didn't love you back, though in Castle's case the person he loved didn't know about his feelings, Javi did. And had rejected him, point blank. He didn't know what he would do if Kate did the same thing to him, but he was sure he would do this. Then again he hadn't just gone through a life-altering revelation about himself as a result of the love he had for his partner being realized.

Castle pulled out his phone and held it in his hand, his finger hovered over his contact list. He went between three names that were on his phone, trying to decide who to call between who he wanted to call, who he needed to call, and to who should be called about this. His head won out.

"It's Castle... I need to tell you something. I'll be at the precinct in ten minutes."

Leaving the hospital, blood still on his hand from where he touched the sheets on Ryan's bed, he made his way back to the hospital. He was still trying to decide what he was going to say, how much he was going to tell.

He waited outside the door after knocking, hoping that he was doing the right thing.

"Come in," called a voice from inside the office.

"Mr Castle, you called?"

"Yes, I just went to visit Ryan in the hospital. Went I got there I thought he was dead because the monitor for his heart was blank, so I got the nurses and they saw that it had slipped off his finger. Went they pulled the sheets back and went to put it back on his finger they wound a ton of blood, he had cut his wrists."

"Is he alright?" Gates asked, her eyes widening in shock.

"They took him to surgery right away, he was still alive when I found him. But that's only part of what I wanted to talk to you about. I know why he tried to commit suicide."

"You call me mysteriously just after midnight telling me you have something to tell me. Then when you get here you tell me one of my officers just tried to commit suicide, and you know why. What is going on here Mr Castle?"

"He was having problems, for months, we all could see it, but none of us wanted to ask him about it. I did. I talked to him the day he got shot, he told me what was happening. He was confused about many things, I helped him in a way. He was having these dreams, about someone we work with. He felt like he was in love, with a... male member of this department. Right after he got shot he told this person he loved him, and he rejected him more or less. He's lost weight, become quiet, he's changed. My best guess is because we kept him in the hospital he waited, and found a way to do this while inside. If I hadn't shown up there tonight, he would have died. And now here I am telling you his secrets, he needs to be helped, and I don't know if I can do it alone."

Gates sat there in silence staring at Rick, shock and sadness on her face. "What do you need from me, Mr. Castle?"

"I'm not even sure what I need help wise, just that I need it, assuming that Ryan makes it. He did some serious damage, and he was barely alive when I found him," Rick pushed a hand through his hair as he leaned back into the chair. "We have to help him though, no matter what."

"And we will, I will help in any way I possibly can."


	9. Chapter 9

Hey everyone, I'm back. sorry for the delay but i've been busy with work and other shit i won't even get into but here it is the next chapter, only one more to go. on other news i'm still working hard on a really long hp fic right now and hopefully i'll start posting in the next month or two, the reason it's taking so long is becasue i want to finish it before i start posting so i don't have to worry about not having the next chapter written and leaving you guys hanging for months at a time.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Leaving Gates office Castle headed out of the precinct again, this time he headed to Javier 's apartment. It was a twenty-minute cab ride, which for Castle was filled with unease. How do you tell the friend and subject of said friends unrequited love just tried to commit suicide, because of him.

Castle waited outside his apartment, waiting, trying to figure out a way to tell him that their friend just tried to kill himself. As it neared one Castle was still unsure how to tell Espo when his phone rang.

"Castle."

"Mr Castle, this is nurse Lopez from the hospital, we saw each other earlier."

"Yes, did something happen? Is Detective Ryan is alive?" Castle didn't want to know, but he had to. He had to know if Ryan was alive or dead, and if he was dead, he would seriously consider killing Esposito.

"Yes, he is. He did some bad damage to his wrists and nicked a tendon. If your officers hadn't donated blood before I don't know if we would have had enough to save him. If you hadn't come to see him he would have died on our watch, thank you for your help. He will be evaluated in the morning by one of the hospital physiatrists, until then, and maybe even after he won't be able to see anyone. However, if I can I might be able to let you see him after the eval in the morning."

"Thank you so much for calling me and letting me know about Kevin, and if you can I would appreciate it if I could see him in the morning." Castle hung up and stared back at the door he had been staring at for the past half hour. He knew that he could wait and talk to Ryan in the morning before talking to Esposito, but he didn't want to wait. He wanted to deal with Javi first, so he might have some good, or in anyway helpful to tell him.

He knocked on the door and waited for Espo to answer the door. Which when he did Castle punched him in the face, Javi never saw it coming.

"Ow! Castle? What the fuck!? What you punching me for?!" Javier held his hand to his nose as the blood dripped down from his face.

"Because you deserve it. You are a horrible person."

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you know where I went after I left the precinct just before midnight?" Castle asked Espo as he glared at him.

"No. What does that have to do with you punching me?"

"It has everything to do with me punching you. You should be happy I didn't do what I want to do to you. I went to see Ryan." With that simple sentence, Esposito became cold.

"Get that look off of your face. I went to see him to tell him we had a suspect, I found him half dead in his hospital bed. He cut his wrists, because of you. And don't you dare give me the whole 'you have no way of knowing that,' Because I do. Ever since you hurt him when he woke up, he has been in pain, because of you. You didn't have to be that way when he told you, you could have had a least some kind of tact. But no you freak out, leave, and haven't seen or talked to him since. I made up my mind on the way over here that if he died I would have done my best to send you off with him, thankfully he is still alive, no thanks to you.

"He doesn't need you to return his feelings, but he needs his friend. You better make this right, you owe him that much."

Castle stormed out of the now broken-nosed cops apartment, hoping that Esposito would make things right before Ryan could succeed in killing himself. Or Castle gave in and killed Javi for hurting Ryan.

CASTLE

Javier didn't care that his face hurt, or that blood was still steadily coming from his, he was pretty sure, broken nose. Ryan, suicide. It wasn't possible. It just wasn't. Why would he do such a thing?

 _You know why_... answered a voice from inside his head.

"No I don't," he said out loud back to the nonexistent voice.

 _Yes, you do. It's all your fault, just like Castle said. You've been killing your best friend, and not with kindness. A man who loves you, and has been hurting for weeks because of you and what you did. You've heard Castle talking to Beckett, he's been losing weight, not talking much. He's in all kinds of pain and it's all your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself._

The truth was Javier was ashamed of himself. He could understand why he had acted that way. He had no problems with gay people. To him, it didn't matter who a person liked as long as they were happy. But he didn't know how to feel about this, sure he loved his friend, but not that way, right? Yet something inside him told him that wasn't completely true. His heart knew the truth but Javi had become good at blocking it out in the past few weeks, ignoring the feelings he had for his partner, ones that he didn't want to acknowledge. Now he knew he had to, he couldn't even begin to describe the feeling of utter heartbreak when Castle said that Ryan had tried to commit suicide, because of him. Because of his treatment of Ryan.

How could he Javier Esposito, ladies man, be in love with a man? His best friend. His best friend who was in love with him. Who had been badly hurt by him. Who had tried to kill himself because of him. Castle was right to punch him, he deserved it for what he did, what he was still doing.

Not bothering to wipe up the blood that just now stopped running from his nose and drove to the hospital, much like when Beckett called to tell him that Ryan had been shot. This time he knew what was going to happen, of what he hoped would happen.

When he got there he was first told he couldn't see his partner because Ryan had just gotten out of surgery, and was going to be isolated until his psych eval in the morning. But he pulled the 'it's important to time-sensitive police business' card and got let into his room. He looked worse than before, so much worse. The blood on the white bandages around his wrists stood out like beacons, screaming for someone to look at them, to see them they're like a sign. He was so pale his freckles stood out like flecks of black paint against an all-white backdrop. Then there was his weight. He had never been a large man, never had much weight to him, but this was extreme. Sure he had heard Castle and Beckett over talking that Kevin lost weight, but this was more than losing a little weight. His cheeks and eye sockets were sunken in, and he was sure if he looked beneath the hospital robe he would be able to see Ryan's ribs sticking out from his chest.

His eyes blurred with tears as his heart broke at the sight before him. Like a strange deja vu, he took and sat in a chair next to the bed, and held his hand tightly, making sure to be careful not to disturb the bandages around his wrist, or move the restraints that the hospital had placed on him. He held on like if he loosened his grip even the slightest Ryan would disappear, slip through his fingers.

CASTLE

The second Ryan woke up he knew he hadn't succeeded. That somehow his plan had been ruined. He felt so weak as if he had to move he would have clasped before he could take one step, let alone stand on his own two feet.

All he wanted to do was shut his eyes and hope everything would go away, like a dream disappearing when you wake. Before he closed his eyes he looked down at his wrists, he couldn't feel anything from the elbow down, he wanted to make sure that he really had done it, that it wasn't just a dream. Seeing the bandages and restaurants he was about to shut his eyes went he saw his hand. Because his brain was a little fuzzy he wasn't sure what he was looking at, but as his eyes focused on his hand he saw another hand wrapped around his. His eyes followed the hand down to an arm to the person they belonged to.

Ryan's heart skipped a beat, and he felt like he was about to jump out of his skin. Javier was holding his hand and dozing in a chair next to his bed, it was like deja vu, a hurtful deja vu. Last time this happened he wanted to die, and he wasn't sure it wouldn't happen the same way now. He tried to pull his hand out of the, what he was assuming, tight grip. Unfortunately, between the grip, Javi had on his hand, the restraints, the injuries to his wrist, and lack of feeling he couldn't pull his hand away and woke Espo up.

"You're awake." Javier sat up and looked into Ryan's face hoping to see something that would give him an idea of how Ryan felt at seeing him.

"Please let go of my hand," Ryan asked so quietly it was almost a whisper as he looked down at his hand, doing everything to avoid looking at his friends face. Javier let go of Ryan's hand regretfully, but he didn't take said hand off the bed.

"How are you?" Javi asked before he wanted to smack himself in the face, he couldn't believe he just asked Ryan that right after Ryan tried to kill himself, because of him. And he didn't want to hurt his already hurt nose.

"What the hell kind of question is that!? How do you think I feel you hurt me. I want to die and I still do. You should leave, I don't want to see you, I just want to finish what I started."

"Are you crazy? I won't let you do that. I love you, I never want anything like this to happen again."

"You what?" Asked Kevin breathlessly as he looked up into Javi's face, not believing what the Hispanic man had just said.

"I said 'I love you.'"

Ryan was speechless, now after causing him so much hurt he was saying he loved him back. "What's going on? Why are you telling me this now? Right now I don't know if I hate you or love you for what you've put me though."

"I'm a ladies man. I've never in my whole life not even, not even when in the military, had any type of feeling towards another man. But now I can't tell why or how but I realized after you told me that I love you. When you told me you loved me I was so shocked, so overwhelmed I couldn't, I didn't want to deal with it. But when Castle came here last night, saved you from getting the nurses to you before you could die. He came to my apartment, punched me, and even threatened to kill me if I hurt you anymore. But that's not why I'm here, not why I am telling you that I love you. I'm telling you I love you because I need you to know that I do love you, I just couldn't tell you, I didn't want to admit it to myself. But when he told me you wanted to die because of me, because of how I acted." Javi had tears freely flowing down his face, he made no move to wipe them away as he looked at Ryan, hoping that his words, though not as elegant as Castle's, would be enough.

Ryan was speechless, his mouth opened and closed multiple times, before breaking down in tears. Javier took his chance and stood up, he took his hand and lifted it to rest under Ryan 's quivering chin. He raised Ryan's face and leaned in to kiss him. Ryan gasped as Javi's lips touched his, allowing Javier to deepen the kiss. Ryan kissed him back as forcefully as he could in his current weakened state.

Ryan pulled away from the kiss and asked, "you love me?"

"I do. I love you. I'm just so sorry it's taken me this long to tell you, that it's taken such a horrible thing to happen for me to be able to tell you that I love you." Esposito didn't want anything to come between them again, especially not himself.

"You love me."

"Yes, I do, and I want to continue to love you. You can't do this again, you need to be alive for me to love you."

"I won't," Kevin promised as Javier kissed him again. "So what happens now?"

"Now I get to love you, the way you deserve to be loved."


	10. Chapter 10

sorry to say but this is the last chapter. hopefully, i will be posting a new story soon, it's gonna be a harry potter fic, and yes i know i've been saying this for a while but i've had to put other things before writing lately and i hope i will get back to writing.

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The trail was cold, just like Castle predicted, the thirty-year-old picture didn't help them find the counterfeiter. All it did was dry up their investigation. Until a little girl was abducted. She fit their profile to a tee under a year old, dark hair, and white. And her parents were murdered, like all of the fifteen other missing person cases they found that fit their profile as well. They were all taken and their parents murdered near where he was supposed to be according to the FBI. Killed the same way as the women and the other parents, a single shot from behind.

They were suddenly on a clock, they needed to find the missing baby girl before he disappeared. Each time he kidnapped a baby he left the area soon after, moving to the next place he would start counterfeiting. Then there was what happened a few hours after they started working on the missing person's case for the new little girl, Beckett was shot. But they had been prepared since they found out he kidnapped another girl Gates was making the three of them wear their kevlar under their clothes, incase he came after another one of them. Which he did. As Beckett and Castle looked around outside of the apartment building the little girl lived in Beckett was suddenly shot from behind. Castle then got a graze wound on his arm as the killer then shot at him, but thankfully he ducked after hearing the first shot.

"Kate! Kate where did you get hit?" Castle asked frantically as he crawled over to her prone form.

"I'm fine, he hit the kevlar. Get back up, I'm fine." Castle gazed into her eyes, worried that he had come so close to losing her to the shooter.

"Kate..."

"Castle we don't have time, he's getting away."

"Right," Castle ran to the officers that were on the screen and called for an ambulance. The shooter had run off and no one had seen who he was or where he went. After getting checked out by the EMT she ordered any camera footage from a six-block radius be checked for evidence of the shooter. Low and behold they did, five blocks away from the crime scene they saw a man running east of the crime scene and they caught a glimpse of his face. He was older, more wrinkled, and had quite a few scars on his face and neck. There was no doubt it was him, it was Morgan Roberts, in the flesh.

They set up roadblocks, called all the transportation companies, buses, planes, subway, and trains.

"Are you alright?" Asked Castle as he gave her a cup of coffee.

"I'm fine Castle," she sighed as she took the coffee cup from the writer.

"Are you sure? Even with the kevlar, a bullet can do some serious damage."

"I'm fine. Why are you so worried? The EMT's checked me out, it isn't that bad." Kate gave Castle an odd look, why was he so worried? Was what Ryan said a few weeks ago? That Castle was in love with her, that that was why he stayed working with her so long.

"Because someone tried to shoot you. Tried to kill you just like he did Ryan, I'd hate if anything happened to you. I..."

"You what?"

"Nothing," said Castle as he took a drink from his cup. He subconsciously gulped, did she know that he was in love with her? She was looking at him like she knew something.

"Are you sure about that?" Beckett had decided that it was now or never, she would find out here and now. "Are you sure it isn't because of something else? Ryan told me something the day he got shot, he told me he couldn't believe I didn't know, that I was oblivious to what was happening. That I couldn't see what was really going on in my own life."

She grabbed his neck and pulled him to her, into a kiss. They moaned simultaneously, opening their mouths, each fighting for dominance as they deepened the kiss. They kissed for minutes until Beckett's phone rang.

"Ah... Beckett," she said as she answered her phone, lightly wiping away the saliva that was smeared across her lips. "You have? Where?... Are you sure it's him?... Yeah, will be waiting. That was one of the roadblocks we set up at the Lincoln Tunnel. They just found him, he was in a large moving van, the baby and two girls in there late teens were found in the back. We got him, they're bringing him and the girls here. It's over."

"What now?" Castle asked as he looked at he now slightly swollen lips.

"Now we finish what we started."

CASTLE

Ryan was released from the hospital a week and a half later after a seventy-two-hour suicide watch, and many psych evaluations. Espo picked him up and took him home to his apartment, but only for a few necessities, then they headed to Javi's apartment.

"So how long to I have to stay here? Just until my wrists and tendon heal right?"

"Yeah, then we can start to look for our own place," well Javier was still worried about Ryan trying something again, he himself freaking out in the future, he didn't want to waste that time they did have. So even if it doesn't work out he wouldn't regret that they had done everything they could while they had the chance. Not to mention that Ryan couldn't live alone for at least four months, most likely longer. Between the suicide attempt and the damage he from said attempt, weight loss, and the shooting he was weaker and need a lot of rehab and counselling. Moving in together seemed like the best option, Javi could help with the day to day rehab and restricted activities, and it helped that Ryan was restricted to desk duty for the next six months pending revaluation after four months and doctor recommendation.

Thinking like Esposito at the time Ryan had hoped it would be a wonderful idea, them living together. While he wasn't as strong as he had been, and still was injured he started to take off his shirt, a large stretchy shirt he could easily remove without irritating his stitches.

"You know all the dreams I've been having, your very good in them, but I wonder can you live up to the fantasy? Are you as good as you think you are?" while his ribs were still too prominent for Javi, Ryan was still very good looking and the striptease Ryan was doing was making Espo's pants a little tighter than he remembered them being. Taking his words at face value Javier turned to fully face Kevin.

"It that so? I don't you know? I've never had sex with a man before, maybe it won't be all that good to begin with? Or maybe you won't be able to handle all of this?" Javier ran his hand down his side, his hand barely brushing his clothes.

"We'll just have to see and find out now won't we?" Javier rushed forward sweeping Ryan off his feet.

"Yeah we should, is now good for you?"

"Yeah now is good," finally Ryan was really looking into those chocolate eyes, while his blue one's gazed right back. Finally it wasn't a dream anymore, it was real, and actually happening. He didn't pull his eyes away as Javi carried him into his bedroom, and laid him on the bed as Javi crawled on top of him and kissed him senseless. He often wondered if anything could go beyond just the dreams, and this was no dream, except that it was a dream come true.

THE END


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